Visiting assistant professor of philosophy.
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"Take your average person and ask them, 'Are you being deceived by an evil demon right now?' Well, explain to them what that means, first. Some of them might look at you like 'huh?'"
"Should I assume you've all been working on your papers so hard that you have no idea what I'm talking about? Bastards. That's right, I said it. I'm glad your parents aren't here."
"You can't go wrong with alcohol comedy, people!"
"I've been a Cubs fan since I was a kid, and they've sucked since I was a kid."
"Let's say that I have a tiny bit of evidence that the Cubs just scored a run — like, a car drove by, and I heard cheering, and it sounded like Chicago accents."
"You now know that there's something wrong with Billy's mind. He's not happily throwing rocks at squirrels."
"What they complained about is that philosophy talked a bunch of crap."
on the philosopher Stroud: "I met him once, he's not very pleasant. Well, he used to go on for pages about burning cats. I wonder."
"You're not going to beat the skeptic, so just chill out. Go outside, play backgammon."
"We have one more class, and then I don't wanna see you or hear from you again."